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As of late.

I recently came to a number of conclusions; based on decisions that I alone made over the past 15 years of my life. I don’t consider them regrets, or failures, but a learning experience. Sometimes it takes just sitting down and thinking over everything. In my case, I chose to meditate. Before I moved back home, i spent 36 consecutive hours just sleeping and writing. I wrote out anything that came to mind during that span. Well, after that duration of time I had written roughly around 30,000 words and pages of life experiences. I attempted to read and edit this massive collection of thoughts. Unfortunately I could not will myself to finish going back over it. I had realized that going back into the past would only prevent me from moving forward, yes I have regrets, but who doesn’t?
As for this post? Of course I’ll look back and think, ’ why the hell did I post that?’ Well I think it is because I wanted atleast one excerpt from those 36 hours to be seen by anybody else besides just me.

"As of late, I’ve been feeling a particular way….
Ever just wish you could apologize and make everything better? Well it’s not that easy. Sometimes there is no going back. Understanding when to let go, and when to keep going has always been a fine line for me to distinguish. I have had so many distinct memories of people leaving my life and never looking back. When I think of each person who has had an impact on my life, the most typical outcome of my interaction with the ones who have had the most impact on my life are the ones who simply just let go and never looked back. But I realize now, maybe it was never this idea that people give up on me for no reason. But maybe instead it was that I am the one who would rather completely cut people out of my life and pretend that it is their fault for the way things turned out. I look back on my life and I have so many regrets already, but at the same time I force myself to regret nothing. Maybe if I didn’t burn so many bridges, I could have one day apologized for everything and everything would be ok again. But this idea of ‘maybe’ is how I ended up where I am today. The only thing to do now is leave the past in the past and see where God takes me, and who knows, maybe my path will overlap with the people I once cared about some day in the future. Nothing is guaranteed in life, and it scares me to know that at any moment life could end, because of that, I turn to God for guidance, because I know if I were to die tomorrow I would want the people who have had an impact on my life to know that I wish I had made different decisions and kept those people more involved in my life, and that I am the one who is sorry for giving up on whatever time we could have spent together. Well, this isn’t a fairy tale with a happy ending, it’s life, and in life people move on. So it’s time to stop sulking and just move on and improve my life. After all, I’ve learned that apologies can’t change the past.”
That was my final excerpt from my collection of thoughts. Looking back to when I wrote that, it makes me feel pretty good that I’ve stuck with what I said I was going to do. I know my thoughts can be all over the place sometimes, but I have learned that writing things out makes me feel so much better than keeping my thoughts to myself or telling my problems to somebody who will only be in my life temporarily. I believe that excerpt, when I wrote it was directed towards the people I thought were going to be in my life long term, but ended up being cut short. As for the rest of my excerpts, I’m highly considering deleting them all, but I’ll prolly just hold on to them Incase I feel like venting again hahaha! Anyways, sorry for the long ass text post that nobody will prolly read, but it’s 2am and time for bed.

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